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Just need a moment to vent and get some stuff off of my chest…I know someone in here will listen. Yes, another heartbreak sob story, so if you don’t have the patience move on. Please don’t read just to be mean…I honestly don’t understand why women in here do that. If you don’t like what you read just move along until you do.

Anyway, I’m writing just to write. I’m turning 48 this year and this year starts again with another ending, another disappointment of a relationship ending. My heart has become very dull lately and very little excites me. I don’t think it is depression, I think it is hopelessness. hopelessness that is starting to settle in. Hopeles that I will ever find a woman who can truly appreciate the soul that I am without trying to change me. Hopeless that there is someone out there not judgemental or analytical or wanting to “offer suggestions” to help make me a better person or parent. I am truly beginning tp believe that it is totally not true what they say…that there is someone for everyone. I think they pump that out of Hollywood so you will go see the love story of the month.

I did fall in love once– head over heels. That was two years ago. We broke up twice during the year we were together. You know the whole “let’s try it again, I think I made a mistake leaving you” scene. The first break up was bad enough but to then do it again, well it did something to me that time. It took something from me. Something I have not been able to get back. I have dated two women (each for 6-11 months) since then, and with each of them they professed their undying love to me, wanting to spend the rest of our lives together, etc. Honestly I didn’t feel much in return. I mean I truly loved them both but was never “in love” with either. Having someone who wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me was very satisfying, but missing something very vital at the same time.

So this recent break up came with tears but mostly because I just don’t think I can do this any more. I think, well maybe I’m just getting too old for this. I think all this falling in love stuff is for the younger girls. But then again, I do feel young. I have lots of energy, take good care of myself, have a good job, a fantastic son and friends. From the outside I think I live a good life. On the inside, my heart beats are dull. They are dulled by the steel walls I have surrounded her with. I have experienced enough of life and been though enough pain to know that in order to live life fully you must open your heart and let people in. Believe me I have lived that way and loved deeply. I’ve embraced the heartaches as well as the joys. But now my heart is tired…and a little sad. Sad that I don’t think I can ever open up and fully love again. You know, I understand the attraction to the fairy tale of Snow White. A beautiful women lies asleep near death and the only rescue is the prince that comes to her and with a kiss he brings her back to life. I feel like my heart is sleeping, and needs a magical kiss to bring her back to life. And maybe that is where the sadness comes in…knowing that fairy tales really don’t come true.

Thanks for listening.

Location: merrimack valley
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sleeping heart (merrimack valley)